somehow

December 10th, 2008

10:08 pm




Little Man's asleep. Tucked away in his big boy bed. Dreaming of Bucky. The goldfish he picked out and named today. The reward he got for wearing underwear five straight days and using the potty more often than not. Actually, I guess the kid could be dreaming about any number of things. But I hope he's dreaming of Bucky. He worked hard to get that fish. Was so excited and happy in the pet store. Had nothing but love to give as he sat at the kitchen table hugging the bowl, kissing the glass, as the big-eyed fish swam round its new home.




S.B.'s sleeping too. Today was her rough day at school. Teaching kids that need so much more than an art teacher can give. She fell asleep stretched out on the couch. Her head on my chest. Curly shock of hair tickling my chin as I stared at the television seeing nothing, but feeling so much. Both of us there. Here. Together. Making it. Doing it. Living the best we can. With honesty and respect. Great doses of fun. And I wondered how I ever believed I would be anywhere else, how I could never see how good it would get.




But that's how life is. We cannot truly know until we know.




She was up stretching and yawning half an hour ago.




"I'm going to bed," she said.




"Okay, honey. I'm going to lock up the garage. Get outside and unplug the Christmas lights. Then I think I'll write a while."




We hugged. Said goodnight. And now she's there. Gone away in sleep. Safe and warm under the blankets on this cold December night, while I sit here in the hard chair working away at the keys. Words. Letters. Symbols. Scratching the surface of this something new we've been given to share so that I can begin wrapping my head around it.




I'm going to be a Dad.




I think it. Type it. Say it aloud. But I cannot fully know the importance of this great, weighty thing, until I hold it in my arms.




But that day is a ways off and all we have is the now. One son asleep upstairs. My lovely bride asleep across the hall. And the faint shape of what's to come resting in the depths. Maybe another son. Could be a daughter. But of one thing I am sure. It is made up of hope and heart, hard work and dedication. It is the sum of two imperfect souls striving for perfection in this big wide world that simply keeps on turning. And somehow, everything feels good.




~ K.J.