ache like this

November 19th, 2008

7:47 A.M.

A punch in the face day. That's what it feels like. The icy cold into blood and bone. The tireds weighing me down. Basic urges riled up. Wanting again, like always, to fight and fuck, eat and drink. Move ahead without regret. Set things right. Bring wellness to the world. But there are people that need to be punched. Not because violence is the answer, but because sometimes fear is the best medicine. And because there are people who need to know what it's like to have their heads roll.



The headlines read:

Senator indicted on extortion charges

Dad accused of killing daughter while cleaning gun
Boy, 11, dies of gunshot wound to chest



Let the punching begin.

People have lost their sense of consequence. It's ruining the world. Making it harder for us to keep on keepin' on. And it's pissing me off.

But I can't be pissed today. Doing so will waste energy and energy is what I'll need. To keep up with Little Man. To work on the writing. To be upbeat and open when S.B. comes home from work. Her busiest, roughest day. Hundreds of kids. Most of them with attitude. Demanding respect, but unaware of how to give it. And she will need a hug, a shoulder, ears that not only listen, but hear.

Today, I'm a grumpy old man. Ready to beat the world with my cane. But filled up with so much love and hope that it kills me.

I want to buy a hundred thousand Christmas lights and decorate our home with Little Man.

I want to disappear into the woods. From morning till night. Come back cleaned out and clear-headed.

I want to spend an evening with S.B., have dinner, talk and touch, and let the loving begin.

But I can put all my wants and wishes in one hand and crap in the other and I know which hand will be filled first.

So goes life. It is not perfect. Neither are we. Some days we wake soft and sensitive. Some days we wake hard-headed and ready to kick ass. Today, I'm in between. Spread all over. Spread too thin. Needing so little that it feels like everything.

It's good to ache like this. With the November cold cracking bones, freezing the flesh, making me feel again. And I am better for it. Coming round the bend. Driven by determination, a sense of what's right, and believing I can do it all. Get it done. Make a difference before my light burns up. The heat is gone. And I'm the faint orange glow of an ember. Ready to go out.

But there'll be no going out today. And not tomorrow. There is plenty to get done. Much to work on. And nobody ever got anywhere by letting the bad, the tireds, the basic desires run all over them.

So here's to us. Our drinkless cheer. Letting the world know we're still strong. Still keeping at it. Still here.

~ K.J.

(copyright © 2008 by K.J. Stevens)